Selecting a Spouse

Marital Bliss? No way!
Is it really possible?

Every young man and woman aspires to marry the person who will bring him/her life-long happiness. Marrying the right person is indeed a sort of bliss. On the other hand, marrying the wrong person will certainly ensure lifelong misery.

The statistics tell a sad story. Nearly half of all marriages in the Western world end up in divorce. Couples in Eastern countries, where, for social and economic reasons, divorce rates are lower. However, most couples are unhappy and unfulfilled in their relationships.

Thus, selecting the right person for a lifelong relationship is crucial.

Although no guiding principle can guarantee the right choice, a wise approach will certainly increase one’s chances at a happy, fulfilling and lasting marriage.

In the process of making a marriage decision, one needs to consider two certainties:

A healthy emotional state
A couple’s compatibility

Healthy Emotional State

Single people often view marriage as their hope for inner fulfillment and happiness. They are unhappy with their lives, find no purpose or meaning in their existence, and hope that a man or a woman will come to rescue them from their misery.

However, a self–doubting and emotionally needy person who is desperately parched for love and attention is unable to selflessly love a spouse.

A relationship based on desperation for marriage will most likely end up in desperation for separation. Such strong emotions will cloud one’s reasoning, inhibiting him/her from making rationally wise choices.

It is worth realizing that only a confident and emotionally fulfilled person can bring love and joy to another person.

A healthy marriage is a relationship between two independently fulfilled individuals who enhance each other’s lives by bringing love, joy and mutual uplift.

Before one marries another person, one needs to love, accept, and be happily married to himself/herself.

Compatibility

In selecting a person to marry, often one of these two things happens:

Young people, drunk with passion and the pleasures of romantic love overlook attributes that are essential for a happy marriage.
Older people base their decisions on selfish considerations such as the promise of a wealthy lifestyle or the beauty of the bride to be.

Both approaches are pregnant with future marital problems. Marriage involves far more than romance and practical considerations. Romantic feelings instantly evaporate in the presence of “irreconcilable differences.” Physical beauty will certainly lose its allure when overshadowed by an untamed character.

To prevent broken hearts and endless nights of anguish, a couple considering marriage needs to honestly and openly ponder many questions and issues such as:

How will each person react to crisis situations in areas such as finances, health and relationships? How will each react to the other’s handling of the situation?
How different are the personal preferences/interests and how well can each handle those differences?
Are the life pursuits and aspirations of the two compatible? Can they coexist?
What does each person expect from the marriage and how well do the two views converge?

It is worth noting that avoiding such issues in the hope of taming, changing, educating and shaping the future spouse into one’s worldview is guaranteed to disappoint. Personalities and characters that are shaped by one’s genes and upbringing rarely change under spousal influence. A leopard cannot change its spots!

Selecting a spouse with whom one can have a happily lasting relationship is challenging. It must involve both emotional and rational considerations. Both the heart and the mind need to be engaged. Besides “being in love” and enjoying each other’s company, the couple needs to consider compatibility in areas such as values, life pursuits, interests, preferences, and customs.

Do you want to be happily married “until death do us part”? We suggest that you: